“Chaplain, I’d like to share something that you might find helpful in the work that you do. This story was almost fifty years in the making; since he was a teenager, I did not have a good relationship with my son. It was the 1970’s, I was a single mother, newly liberated from a bad marriage and I was unable to connect with my son on any level. He left home at age nineteen and our relationship since then had been cold at best with long periods of silence with no contact; it was heart breaking. A few weeks ago, anticipating this surgery and hospitalization, it was with a growing sense of isolation and mortality that I suggested to him that we needed to talk; and he agreed. I apologized for my faults as a parent and he told me that he had never held anything against me; that he had discovered later in life that he was on the Asperger’s scale, something I never knew, and it explained so much – my outlook on life changed overnight. What I would like to share from this is that it is never too late; we don’t know what we don’t know unless we make the attempt to connect with those that matter most to us.” Sharing her story, the patient’s eyes sparkled through her tears, her smile pure joy.
What is it about finding connection and fulfilling a sense of belonging that is so satisfying, so primal as to be on the same order among human needs as that of food, water and shelter? Twelve-step recovery programs seem to have discovered this long ago with part of their success being attributed to the connection they create for an individual with something greater, something outside of themselves, through community. Scanning a list of synonyms for the word “belonging” brings this sense of connection home: kinship, affinity, finding a place, feeling right, fitting in – the healing power attained from this renewal through a heightened sense of belonging seems palpable, as evidenced with the above-mentioned patient. At the same time, the opposite of belonging, i.e. alienation and loneliness, can be agonizing physically and emotionally, where exclusion can undermine well-being and our sense of self, becoming a source of intense pain and conflict. The old adage, misery loves company, derives its truth from this sense of belonging; finding fellowship even in our struggles and difficult times provides validation and comfort in the knowledge and sensation that we are not alone.
Sharing her story, the patient’s eyes sparkled through her tears, her smile pure joy.
What does it mean to belong; what does belonging look and feel like? A patient recently told me that her connection with friends at her church feels like “a warm blanket on a cold night.” With that image comes a sense of security, feeling safe through finding comfort and support in the midst of our vulnerability and trials. It seems to me, and it’s just a theory, that the most intense therapeutic benefits of belonging come when we are feeling extremely exposed and vulnerable; reminiscent of the childhood anxiety of waiting to be chosen for a playground team, or hoping for, yet dreading, feedback from coworkers after making an important presentation, or having just received medical test results that our doctor says look “suspicious.” Perhaps this is a good time to test this theory with some role playing; imagine yourself in one of these situations that may hit close to home, first experiencing it by yourself, then envision being with a trusted friend, colleague or family member, someone who can truly relate to what you are going through and may be feeling. Is it the connection or the validation that provides you with the most comfort? Likely it is both to some degree. Reflecting on those loving and supportive relationships in our life helps to reduce stress by sustaining feelings of trust, security and connection with something larger, expanding our sense of self, offering meaning in the midst of life’s trails.
Too many times, however, I have met someone going through a difficult time that does not have that “warm blanket” connection, or it’s that special person in their life who just became gravely ill or passed away. That’s when a church community, grief support group, bible study, book club or yoga class can play a significant role in recovering that lost sense of belonging and connection. It’s natural and therapeutic to seek a safe, compassionate environment for sharing the grief resulting from the break in a meaningful attachment and learning from others who may or may not have experienced a similar loss, but are brought together through a common shared purpose. The loss of a loved one is never really overcome, nor should that be the goal; the deeper the attachment, the more the loss is a very real part of who we are; our identity remains connected with the one lost even in the midst of grief. This is why grieving is a process and remains a uniquely individual experience; but we don’t have to encounter it alone. That’s where reconnecting with someone or a group can help us through the shock, denial, and disorganization, positioning us well for the ensuing rediscovery of attachment and purpose.
… finding fellowship even in our struggles and difficult times provides validation and comfort in the knowledge and sensation that we are not alone.
For some, building a sense of belonging may be as simple as joining a social media group. For others, myself included, increasing our sense of belonging must be worked at and practiced. As with any journey, it begins by taking the first step, which might include the following actions:
Non-judgement – Sometimes belonging presents itself at the expense of excluding others; while the desire to belong can be strong, inflicting exclusion on someone else can’t be satisfying. A little dose of humility, setting aside judgment and blame of self or others can break down walls and open up opportunities for collaboration with others seeking belonging and togetherness. Not feeling judged leads to a willingness to be vulnerable which opens the door for questions and sharing stories; once this happens we begin to witness belonging take shape before our very eyes.
Acceptance – There’s an old bit of wisdom I still hold dear; “the broad-minded see the truth in different religions, the narrow-minded see only the difference.” Sometimes it can be easy to find the reasons to not want to belong when we focus on where we differ with others; that said, to belong does not imply tacit approval or agreement, but does require open-mindedness in seeking the truth in other’s thinking even when we disagree. Those differences can be revealing, exposing prejudices and previously unappreciated common ground, and may lead to healthy conversations on those things where we can reach an agreement to disagree but still have rich stories to share.
Validation – It seems that much of what we seek through belonging, i.e. acceptance, is attaining validation for what we think, feel, believe and do by finding and joining forces with similarly-minded people. Likewise, providing this validation for others can be our pathway to acceptance and belonging. That doesn’t mean agreeing with everything they say and do; rather, it requires intense listening in an effort to truly understand, acknowledge and empathize with their deeper, internal experience. Meeting someone where they are at, appreciating them for who they are, their experience and the richness of their story, is the language of acceptance and belonging.
… the broad-minded see the truth in different religions, the narrow-minded see only the difference.
Each of us is comprised of a personal, familial and communal narrative, a story woven as a tapestry of our life and the lives of those we touch and have touched us over the years. Our sense of self, our identity has been built piece by piece through those experiences becoming stories and then integrating those stories into our core narrative. Belonging happens when we join our story with those stories of others, and it comes to life in the story telling. We can’t really know someone and their identity until we begin to hear that person’s narrative which communicates their values, where they derive meaning, and their unique characteristics. Once we begin to share our story, the process of acceptance and connection can begin since belonging is based on connecting through those shared experiences. We all share the human experience and as a human family belong to one another – at our core we all share a radical solidarity in our human condition. That sense of belonging is a gift; as with the finest gifts, once received it is best passed along and shared so others too may receive it’s benefits. Sometimes a warm smile or a kind gesture can serve as the reminder, not only for ourselves but for others, that we are not alone and we now belong to each other’s story in a meaningful way.
Reflection questions:
- Think back to a time in your life when you felt a strong sense of belonging; can you summarize what or how that made you feel in a single word or phrase?
- Purposefully engage in dialogue with someone you have differences with and/or disagree regarding something important to you. Focus on finding the “truth” in their position or belief; reflect on any prejudices exposed and/or previously unappreciated common ground.
- Reflect on belonging through exclusion of others; is criticism sometimes necessary to moving forward, creating for us a sense of belonging through exclusion/ostracizing others?
- Think back to that time you felt a strong sense of belonging (#1 above). Now, through practicing non-judgmental acceptance and validation, look for an opportunity to allow someone to feel what you felt and find belonging in you. How did that make you feel?
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