This is a continuation of my previous post on December 29th:
Practicing detachment is not a modern call to monasticism, although there are days that the ascetic life may appear to be quite appealing. How do we detach without disengaging entirely from our family, friends, material possessions, meaningful work involving mercy, justice, or career pursuits which, if suddenly missing, could actually deprive our inner life?
The essential ingredient to finding a richness in being is not letting those things control us, but balancing our desires with an attitude of contentment. Through detachment we let go of the anxiety and fear, coming home to the stillness of self, just as we are. We remove the clutter by letting some greater purpose direct and connect us with the present moment, truly believing that all will be well. We know detachment is working when we feel a “letting go,” a “weight lifted,” a “sense of peace” with who we are and with the decisions or choices we need to make. As with the patient mentioned in Part I, this involves trust; a trust in knowing that our ultimate happiness is not about external or material things. Rather, it comes from within, and may involve a deep dive to bring it to light.
“Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached.”
— Simone Weil
“I remember hearing those words like it was yesterday, ‘It looks like you have cancer.’ My first thoughts were ‘No way, I’m successful in my work, I give back to the community, I’m a good person. How is this happening to me?’” The lawyer, father, philanthropist, now patient shared his story with the Chaplain. It was in the silence, while pondering the question posed to him, “What matters most to you when you think about quality of life?,” that one could sense his former attachments begin to give way to an inner trust in some deeper source of meaning. And with his tearful response from the heart, “My family means everything to me,” the shackles were broken.
What a blessing it is to be a witness when these realizations hit home, but how sad when it comes as a result of devastating news. The change in perspective that often comes with end-of-life scenarios need not be a prerequisite to achieving detachment; although when confronted with loss, grief, or disappointment, practicing detachment can be life-giving, allowing us to find peace in the midst of suffering.
To best prepare for those difficult occasions we should begin to practice detachment during the “blue sky” times of life; before we become entangled and our attachments become needs, yielding control over our own happiness. It becomes a choice. I liken it to the helpful exercise when it comes to clearing out the attic or garage of all the stuff we’ve accumulated over time; i.e. by asking the question, “Does it bring me joy?” If the answer is “No,” let it go.
Through detachment we let go of the anxiety and fear, coming home to the stillness of self, just as we are.
The same exercise works with attachments: “Do they serve my ultimate concerns? Do they ground my sense of purpose and being?” Again, if the answer is “No,” let it go; like the proverbial hot potato. If the answer, however, is “Yes,” then embrace it as a source of life and energy that brings meaning to the here and now. Again, it’s a choice; we can wait for the life changing event or we can grab control now, taking the first steps toward detachment.
The following actions may help that process:
Mindfulness – The process of letting go begins with a heightened awareness of those things that may have become attachments. Are there people or possessions that require your time and attention to the point where you are feeling insecure, anxious or afraid in relation to them? Be honest with yourself; have you lost perspective of what is most important in your life and why? What role does the attachment play relative to your ultimate concerns? What do your instincts tell you about where you need to detach? Learn to trust those instincts.
Examination – This is the time to enter the stillness of being, to look within, reflecting on the role those attachments play in your life. Are they life-giving or life-draining? If there are insecurities, anxieties or fears keeping you attached, how real are those feelings and what is truly at stake by letting go? This is where a deep dive is necessary to determine if you should detach and are willing and able to let go to refocus your priorities as necessary. Meditation, contemplative prayer, writing in a gratitude journal, composing a letter of release or forgiveness can all be helpful exercises in preparing yourself to detach.
Next time: Part III – Taking those next steps in moving toward detachment through trust.
Reflection questions:
- Using these first two process steps discussed above (Mindfulness and Examination), identify and examine a healthy attachment or connection (something symbiotic or mutually beneficial) in your life. What role does it play relative to your life priorities and ultimate concerns?
- Now, using the same steps, identify and examine an unhealthy attachment (something draining to your spirit). What makes it unhealthy for you? Is there a healthier alternative to consider for reengaging your time and attention once you do let go of the unhealthy attachment?
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